Monday, February 13, 2012

Sexy Versus Cute


Taylor Swift
Some girls have expressed their disappointment when I've told them that they look "cute" rather than "sexy" or "hot." I used to respond to their reaction by claiming that it was unwarranted. After all, cute is still attractive. But in the back of my mind I knew that my compliment was mildly backhanded, even though it was never my intention.

To one degree or another, all women want to turn heads and make men's jaws hit the floor; and they know that "cute" doesn't elicit this kind of reaction. But growing up, most girls are not given the freedom to dress or act in a provocative manner, so they don't get to "practice" looking sexy. This is compounded by the fact that most parents have somewhat outdated ideas of modesty, in the midst of a trend towards sexually explicit fashions. Because girls grow up dressing cute, they become comfortable in the types of clothes, hairstyles and makeup that create a cute look. Ultimately this means that your average girl is only just learning how to pull off "sexy" when her desire to do so is strongest (i.e. in her twenties). This lack of experience, coupled with her desire to look hot, can lead to a crippling unwillingness to take the risks that are so necessary to mastering sexiness (or any new look, for that matter).

However, both looks can be achieved by any woman. Just because you are short or have dimples does not mean you cannot be sexy, in the same way that height or sharply shaped eyebrows don't preclude the possibility of looking cute. The main difference is that it takes more risk, confidence and experience to pull off a sexy look. Risk is a matter of your own will, and confidence follows from risk - as does experience.

Let's consider the characteristics of both looks. I've made a list of associations that I have for the two styles:

Sexy:
Confident, serious, poised, seductive, postured, tight (clothes), mature, aloof, gorgeous, sexual, selective, sharp, directed, closed, pretentious, shrewd, desirous, hungry, dark, cat, fox

Cute:
Innocent, light-hearted, wide-eyed, adorable, affectionate, eager, naive, young, youthful, joyful, pretty, animated, open, trusting, candid, colorful, kitten

The "cute" associations are predictably child-like. The "sexy" associations are almost predatory, and certainly they point towards a very confident sexuality. Notice how in both pairs of pictures I've posted, the sexy woman's gaze is piercing - calm, confident and provocative. As I've said before, your style is projected much more by your personality and demeanor than by your clothes. You can probably imagine a sexy woman dressed in cute clothes, or vice-versa (imagine the cute Megan Fox on the right holding herself like and making the same expression as the sexy Megan Fox on the left - it would still be sexy, even without the tight dress and wild hair).  In order to achieve that look, you must adopt the associated personality characteristics. Once the mindset exists, the clothes follow naturally, or at least easily.

Megan Fox

As in most cases, feigning the mindset can help you to obtain it. You need to "fake it 'til you make it." By wearing sexy clothes even when you don't think you can pull them off (taking risks), you will realize that, actually, you can and do pull them off. This is because, in most instances, your insecurities about what you are incapable of wearing are unfounded. Once you try them and see that they work, your confidence will spike, and you can then repeat the process.

I routinely see very concrete things that sexy girls are doing or wearing, but cute girls are not. The cute girls are the same ones who want to look sexy but don't, the same ones that are dismayed by my "cute" compliments. There isn't some kind of natural inability holding them back; it is their state of mind, and then also (following from their mindset) their presentation:

  • They aren't showing off their body by wearing tight clothes; they wear flowing clothes that mask their feminine form
  • They aren't wearing fashionable clothes (though this isn't always what will make you look best, you also shouldn't usually be trying to emulate your mother's dress sense)
  • They aren't wearing high heels regularly
  • They aren't standing up straight
  • They don't use makeup enough (of course there is such a thing as "too much," but there is also such a thing as "not enough")
  • They don't wear matching underwear or lingerie
  • etc.

Of course, you will only realize that you can pull off heels, or a tight dress, or a certain hairstyle if you do pull it off. So you need to put thought into what you are attempting. If you are overweight, a tiny cocktail dress probably isn't for you - though I'd actually be liberal about making this decision (tighter = hotter even for girls that are slightly overweight). So don't start buying hooker outfits arbitrarily, assuming that they will make you sexy; make sure it works with your natural look (notice I did not say personality).

If you are honest enough with yourself to admit that you aren't comfortable wearing heels or tight dresses, or certain types of makeup, then you are already ahead of the game (most girls simply make excuses about attracting the wrong kind of attention). You just need to take a step outside yourself for a moment, and acknowledge that there is no real impediment to you pulling off "sexy" any more than there is for the thousands of girls who regularly do so. While you might have a mental block against the idea of you being "sexy," I challenge you to list concrete things that make you different from the women that dress and act that way - and I am not only talking about celebrities like Megan Fox and Taylor Swift. I am talking about normal girls that you see out in nightclubs or bars, at work or in the mall. Chances are you have seen women who are less attractive than you (or fatter or older) doing it successfully. If they can do it, so can you.

One final note: there are very few women that are purely sexy or purely cute. Most are some mix of the two. Megan Fox almost always looks sexy and Taylor Swift almost always looks cute (which is why I used them as examples here). What is powerful about these two women is that they both clearly have the ability to pull off both looks if they want to; what is unfortunate is that neither of them do so very often (at least in the public eye). While being a mix of sexy and cute is better than being only one or the other, the ideal is having the ability to be completely one or the other at will. Since cute is easier to achieve, most women need to focus on building their confidence to look sexy.

132 comments:

  1. Interesting post!
    I know male opinions vary over what is sexy, for instance have I heard guys say that a fringe (like the one Taylor Swift is wearing) is the least sexy hairdo for a woman. I actually agree, and think that if you have a pretty face, you should show it. There might also be the factor that a lot of older women wear this to look younger or hide some of their face, which gives those associations. You mentioned once that women need to see that they might be attractive because of something or in spite of. Taylor is a pretty girl, and I think she is hot in the left picture in spite of her hairdo, not because of it.

    - Do men have certain ideas of when 'sexy' is forced sexy? I know many guys find Megan Fox hot, I also know many who say she's a "bad Angelina Jolie knockoff". Practically everything on her is fake, but I know the end result is what counts for men. I just think it takes very little for a 'serious' pose to look ridiculous. Maybe more so to women than to men.

    - Is the mix between the two something a minority or majority of men go for? The last man I was dating called me cute but clearly had a preference for it also sexually. He liked a woman who smiled a lot, and could say things like "you are so cuuute and sexy", I know he was into a 'cute' girl dressed sexily and doing e.g. a striptease, but in a girly way. It seemed to me that was clearly something he liked (he also seemed to prefer blondes), and I wonder if this is something a lot of men are into, just as many as those who like 'dangerous' women?
    Take Miranda Kerr for example: she has a typical 'cute' appearance, which is hard for her to escape from. Her appeal for VS is often sexy, but in a very girly way. I could call it "flirty" or "cheeky":
    http://resources3.news.com.au/images/2010/06/29/1225885/895359-miranda-kerr-for-victoria-039-s-secret.jpg

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    1. "Do men have certain ideas of when 'sexy' is forced sexy?"

      I haven't put much thought into it, but I know when I see women with cheap hair extensions and dresses that are poorly fit for their figure (or weight...), it looks tacky rather than sexy.

      Delete
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  2. Andrew,

    What I notice is that the sexy woman's gaze is directed to the side...so this works in a 'press' image.
    Whereas the cute one is looking straight ahead...
    Hard to pull off that 'look to the side' at someone right in front of you, i.e. in everyday life, no?

    :-)

    Also,
    "tight (clothes),"

    Why did this make me laugh?

    :-)

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    1. Yes, the look might be less natural in real life, but there are other sexy postures, movements, etc. that cannot be portrayed in a still photo.

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    2. Andrew-I've had a lot of work stress in the past year or so, and I'm trying to get back to looking sexy. Guys I meet tell me I'm gorgeous (exact word), but I want to have the perfect body I've had before I start dating seriously again. I look pretty good...maybe an 8 on the 1-10 scale, but I feel like I will meet my next boyfriend if I'm a 10. My friends say I shouldn't hold off on dating, but I'm torn. I've always been a 9.5-10 when I've had a boyfriend, and I'm afraid of venturing out as an 8. I don't know what to make of my view. It's something I want to do for me, not to please a guy. Is it superficial for me to want to be a 10? ...would it be superficial for a guy not to date me solely because of the differential between 8 and 10?

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    3. To a guy with substance it shouldn't matter if you are an 8 or a 10. As someone who is worth it will appreciate you for who you are not just on the outside, but the inside too. The outside does matter to a degree, but the inside does, too.

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  3. I agree with the points, also the underwear needs to flattering and fit well - I know plenty of girls who wear bras that make their breasts look less than great.
    The heels definitely work - I wore heels today and felt great (don't often, as I'm 5"9).

    Andrew, some tips for girls here: makeup guides on youtube are often easier to follow that guides in magazines. I used to watch videos for inspiration there, especially some by a girl called deziredbeauty (you can search for her on youtube). She has quite good videos and some simple tips to create a sexy, bronzed look:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMziV30yMQw&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL49FFC2C4B8D88060

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  4. Great example photos! It seems that my definitions of 'hot' and 'cute' seem to sync up with what you're saying here. When it comes to men, I find myself unconventionally attracted more to "cute" guys (big eyes, dimples, boy-next-door) than "sexy" guys (chiseled features, big muscles). Perhaps it's a comfort thing, but either way, some (including myself) prefer cute over sexy.

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    1. I'm a guy and to me cute is sexy more than sexy will ever be. The whole "sexy" aura and all that it entails, to me what these women are conveying is a reinforcement of the bullshit idea that sex is wrong and (especially women) should feel some degree of shame about it and so they decided to throw the shame out - along with their childish innocence - and instead have taken the role of the "bad girl" who every guy wants to bang the most, further reinforcing the falsely assumed insinuation that only morally deviant women enjoy sex. There's nothing more sexy than a cute girl who still has that childlike innocence but then you discover that she is a sexual wild animal in bed that will make you cry from your penis and beg for mercy but then she's right back to her adorably innocent self like nothing happened and would never even think twice about it. That is why sexy has nothing on cute

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  5. Most girls I know who complain that guys only call them cute are girls who aren't that attractive for one reason or another. Cute is sexy to me when the girl sends little signals that they want to have sex. I'd bet most guys would agree.

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  6. What is wrong with a girl being "cute"? I generally prefer cute girls as they usually have better personalities and are often nicer.

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  7. a lot of girls confuse slutty with sexy so they don't really know how to be the "right kind" of sexy for lack of a better term. You should do a post on this and what men consider slutty and sexy in terms of physical appearance (e.g. makeup, clothing etc.). That would be useful.
    Sometimes what a girl thinks is "sexy" is slutty in the eyes of men. Or they wear something cute thinking that it's sexy but men don't see it as sexy.
    :)

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    1. Read the post about "The Wrong Kind of Attention." I will see what else I can put together though.

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    2. I think most guys think a girl is slutty when they're blatantly flirtatious and promiscuous with multiple guys or bring up sexual things unprovoked or without good timing. I think a big difference between what girls find slutty and what guys find slutty is that girls think something like dressing in a revealing way is slutty whereas guys think it's sexy in almost any circumstance.

      I'd also like to see a post about your opinion on the difference between sexy and slutty.

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  8. Hi Andrew,

    This question sort of touches on this post as well as the 'how to be approachable' post, and probably also 'feminine beauty is hightly controllable', but I'll put it here.

    A long time guy friend of mine who's a definite "man's man", and his perspective and man's POV closely matches your own on many things (so you are both my 'go to guys' when I need the outside view - you have both been bang-on every time), told me a couple of nights ago that with regard to fashion/personal style that I might be dressing up too much and therefore making myself less approachable. He said that while the Little Black Dress is labeled as good for anywhere/anytime, and that I'm always "very well put together", and look great, he suggested that I might be giving an impression at the bars/pubs that I'm not really there to just hang out and have a couple of drinks and chat, that it looks like I'm on my way out somewhere else, so a bunch of guys will write me off right then and not approach.

    I can see what he's saying, totally, and I asked him for some suggestions as to what kind of outfits/styles I might try instead. But my dilemma is - I feel most comfortable and at ease in dresses (anywhere from above the knee to mid-thigh), and they achieve the 'level of nakeness' you recommend in terms of having shoulders and - heh - decolletage exposed enough to be appealing, and your recommendation for being form fitting enough to show off my figure to best advantage and are the most flattering to my figure. He suggested skirts and blouses, and I'll shop around and see what I can do, but I've found that they look too casual on me, and with what you say in this post, possibly too cute and businesslike, and not sexy enough (if at all). Same with t-shirts. I can't/shouldn't wear jeans, and t-shirts are too casual and don't show off enough skin. So to wear skirts that leaves me with a tank top to go with it, which again, seems too casual to me, and too plain. (Also should mention that the black dresses are a staple in the winter due to usually needing to wear boots, but in the summer I switch to colours and florals in my dresses).

    That said, I recently had a compliment from a man that was "Your look, your hair, really sets you apart" - which I loved hearing, because I do want to set myself apart from the other women around and not just look like every other girl wearing the same old latest styles that every other girl has on. I like my Page/pinup/classy style.

    Thoughts/suggestions?

    Cassandra

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  9. It is true that men get intimidated by attractive women. But if you are looking hot enough to intimidate a guy, you'll probably be out of his league anyway, and more interested in the men that DO have the balls to approach you.

    Sexy, form-fitting clothes might make you less approachable to some men, but they also make you more attractive, and therefore more approach-worthy to other men.

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  10. Thanks Andrew, much appreciated.

    So I'm not necessarily scaring away the types of men I'd be more interested in - if I'm understanding you right, my style might actually be a good filter against those I wouldn't click with. Plus if I'm wearing something I feel confident in, that will come across too, vs. wearing a style I don't feel is really 'me'.

    Thanks for your feedback!

    Cassandra

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  11. i think it's impossible to generalize. There is an age, a time and a place for different looks. Let's say i am into hiking, if i turned up wearing heels or something that would look good on the dance floor, my hiking buddies would think of me as a nutcase. And yet romance has blossomed in our hiking group, despite the heavy boots and sweaty t-shirts! If i go to the office wearing a miniskirt and a see through top, my colleagues would find my attire slutty and inappropriate. Women wearing a well-cut skirt and jacket would be more appreciated in that context.
    Let's not forget that what looks sexy on a 25 y/o may look pathetic on a 50 y/o, be it clothes, make-up or hairstyle.

    And different men are turned on by different women. Take my boyfriend: he hates makeup and prefers a natural look, ideally the look i have when i wake up in the morning, messy hair and sleepy face, or when i step out of the shower with wet hair! so i stopped buying make up after meeting him. He also dislikes nail polish, high heels, and high-maintenance hairstyles. For him the most natural a woman looks, the sexier! Obviously he is attracted to good looking women, and to him the litmus test of real beauty is beauty that shines through without any props.

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  12. Thank you for this excellent & thoughtful post, so full of ideas that I have printed it out so i can read again

    Lakhani Lawn Collection

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  13. What about women who have to work in a professional environment and can't look "sexy" for fear of being inappropriate?

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    1. There are a few ways to pull off sexy in a work environment without being inappropriate, because thankfully, the list of "inappropriate" ways of dressing is relatively short: don't show too much cleavage, don't wear a skirt that is too short, and don't show too much skin elsewhere (though this is even a combination of the previous two).

      But heels, hair, makeup and tight clothes are (in my experience) never frowned upon. A well-fit (tight by definition) suit with heels can be very sexy, especially because the fit and light-weight material shows off a woman's ass in ways that only spandex can trump. I have seen plenty of women who look sexy in a professional environment.

      Get in good shape and then show off your figure with tight clothes, do your hair well, wear heels to accent your figure, and get your makeup right for your complexion.

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    2. I always wear a scoop neck top under my suit to show the patch of skin between my neck and chest. A scarf also serves to enhance the mystery by limiting what is being shown.

      Pumps with skinny heels can look sexy under straight or wide leg suit pants. The pants should be long enough to cover most of the heels, leaving maybe one inch visible. Thicker heels are easier to walk in, but they also allow me to get too comfortable and forget about posture, grace, and etc. Skinny heels, on the other hand, encourage me to stand tall, walk slowly, steadily, and watch my steps.

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  14. If Taylor is cute and Megan is sexy, I would MUCH rather be cute. Just sayin'

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  15. lol..i dont know which post i started reading..but i almost read your all of ur post..i like da way u write..happy blogging - raje

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  16. lol..i dont know which blog of yours i started reading today..but i almost ended up reading all ( including comments :-P )..Happy Blogging - RAje

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  17. I am a muslim woman and as you may know muslims believe it is our responsibility to dress out of modesty (this is similar to Mary in Christian beleifs). This is so that in the case of women, that they are not sexually attracting men, and as a result are taken for their intelligence and accomplishments. Their sexually attractive side is saved only for their husbands and not for other men. What are your thoughts on this? Would you give me any guidance on how to dress to attract men considering my religious beliefs/what kind of men I should aim to attract? Thank you for your great blog.

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    1. I think it is unnatural to try to appreciate women PRIMARILY for their intelligence and accomplishments. This is simply not what (most) women DO well. So efforts to force that appreciation, in my mind, are somewhat futile. That being said, of course there is some degree of modesty that is approriate, but in this regard I believe that western societies - although they tend towards the opposite extreme - are closer to the "narutral" mark than orthodox Muslim ones.

      As I say in the "About This Blog" page, one assumption I make in my writing is that western ideals are at least reasonable, so I don't want to get too far into a discussion that questions that assumption. This is more approriate for a religious or philosophical blog.

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    2. Hmm interesting thank you

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    3. But shouldn't women strive to be considered for their intelligence and accomplishments? Do you think there is a way to attract a man without wearing revealing clothing?

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    4. Women should (and by should I mean "would be smart to") try to attract men through their appearance and their personality.

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    5. Let me preface by saying I am doing a research assignment for my psychology class about how men and women face the pressure of living up to unfair ideals when it comes to finding romantic relationships in our society, and at first, I almost agreed with this statement: "I think it is unnatural to try to appreciate women primarily for their intelligence and accomplishments."

      "Okay", I thought.. "it could be understood that biologically men AND women are programmed to be attracted to one another based on procreation.. so okay, in that sense we are initially always going to be drawn to a member of the opposite sex based on hormones".

      But, then.. "This is simply not what (most) women DO well."

      Exactly what. the. fuck does that mean? Most women do not do intelligence and accomplishment well? What world, scratch that, what DIMENSION are you living in? This is not the stone age we are living in here, which is unfortunate in certain ways because in that day and age all a woman had to do(I'm sure this would still apply in present time) was walk around naked, no shame, no worrying about whether or not she was projecting a "cute" vibe or a "sexy" vibe, she just got the D because that's how things happened back then. Fast forward to present time and there are smart, sophisticated women reading this slop. A blog telling women how to dress and act in order to be cute or sexy, and dismissing the fact that some women would like to be valued for a lot more than that. I am an attractive female; I can be sexy when I want to be, I can be cute as hell when I want to be but above all else the men I have seriously dated(I don't waste time with one night stands or relationships that go no where) have been men that realize that intelligence and accomplishment is the cutest/sexist trait of them all because it gets annoying to try to relate to a woman that is so self absorbed that she has to mull over the things suggested in this article.

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    6. Hi Andrew,

      This is the first blog post of yours that I read; just happened to have stumbled upon it. I appreciate your explanations on what women can do in order to gain more control and confidence in their looks. It's practical and useful. However, I can't quite swallow your remark of "This is simply not what (most) women DO well" no matter which way I chew on it.

      First of all, I suppose we are talking about "intelligence" as something related to IQ, an ability to grasp abstract and complex concepts, to connect ideas, to possess an air of being well-read, articulate, even scholarly. It could also refer to EQ, the "smarts". It could be just experience and wisdom. I have a hunch you might call the whole package "inner beauty" or "personality" (though I could be wrong).

      I have no doubt that guys yearn for women to take care of their outer appearance and make themselves sexually attractive, even in a spiritually fulfilling relationship. But a lot of guys probably find "inner beauty" very important - you said so yourself. In fact your advice, from what I’ve read, is sincerely and helpful and would help women bring out their "inner beauty". Therefore I don’t understand why you would assert acting smartly / intelligently is not something women DO well. On which data do you base this assertion?

      If you are talking about the “accomplishment” aspect of intelligence, then you know that asserting women just not being able to achieve as much as men do is asking trouble for yourself, don’t you?

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  18. To elaborate on my previous point about muslim women here is the story of a women that started wearing hijab (hair covering for further modesty),
    It was funny in the beginning. Phone kept ringing. Everyone was inquiring if I'm actually OK. I would like to mention that I'm the only practising Muslim in my family, so they were as much shocked as everyone. But I felt the change at once. I reached inner peace, calmness ... And the change in the way the environment started treating me was evident from Day 1. You probably know the beauty of saying selaam to someone, and the benefit one gets from it. It was funny in the beginning: small kids passing by and saying selaam to ME. It was a totally new experience. Men don't stare at me anymore. They approach me with respect now. I haven't heard an offensive comment ever since I started doing hijab.

    What are your thoughts on this?

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    1. Do you think muslim men don't look at beauty when it comes to hijaabi women? You're wrong. They still want a good-looking woman. Even if the woman covers her face, they have their female relatives go and check her out to make sure she's attractive enough for them. They're still looking; just not as obvious about it. I have yet to see a wealthy good looking man marry an unattractive woman just because she covers her hair.

      -An ex-muslim female

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  19. Cute vs Sexy: I'm very tiny - 4'9 and 90ish lbs. I'm physically fit and wear heels whenever possible. XS clothes more often than not are loose and too big on me. How can I take attention away from my height (or lack of)? I'm always always always "cute" because of my stature, and never sexy. What can I do? What can I change? Help!

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    1. I'm very similar too - I'm about 85lbs and 5'. I either buy XXS clothes (eg Bebe) or else get them tailored so they skim the body :)

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    2. A coworker of mine is also tiny sized and she shops at H&M.

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    3. Thank you so much J, I'll try Bebe! I've shopped at H&M and their small is closer to a medium than anything. Thank you though. Maybe this will take me one step further away from looking like a child.

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    4. I think the point J made about getting clothes tailored is a good one. I have to do this with all shirts, jackets, etc because I have longer arms than most men my height. I buy shirts that fit my arms, then have them taken in to fit my torso. You could do something similar to make the small clothes fit you well.

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    5. Hi Teresa, I am tiny as well, and Bebe is too large for me. I usually go to Arden B. They have really cute tunics that I can wear as dresses :)

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    6. Thanks Andrew, I agree with you; tailoring is a great suggestion. Anonymous, I've never heard of Arden B before. I'll check that out as well. Thanks!

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    7. Yes their sizes run pretty small otherwise I'd probably have to shop at the kid's store haha. You can check out their website too although it'd be easier to tell if the sizes fit by going to the store. www.ardenb.com

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  20. You guys are all so helpful! Thank you. I see there are Arden B locations nearby (I never even knew this store existed), so I'll definitely be checking it out.

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  21. How tight is tight enough? One of my private clothing nightmares is not being able to raise my arms, or sit comfortably, or bend over, or walk -then I feel goofy, frustrated, I shut down and nobody has a good time. (Not just playing straw man here; I sewed myself a dress once, it was way tighter than I was used to and I felt like an un-sexy fool.)
    Also, what do I do to get the poised/pretentious/predatory feeling described in the 'sexy' category?
    Thanks.

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  22. Okay I definitely need to change up my look to mega sexy...It's not as if I dress really cutesy but men my age tend to think I'm 18 and I'm 23 (doesn't bode well when looking for a match).

    Any tips on how to look older?

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  23. What confuses me is that the traits you've listed under "cute" are more feminine (openness, trusting, vulnerability, etc.) So how does a girl pull off "sexy" and "feminine" at the same time?

    ReplyDelete
  24. I really would love to make the transition from cute to sexy but it just not seem to be working. I have always been "cute" because I am very small with delicate features but it doesn't seem to be working for me anymore now that I am near 30. I have tried lots of these pointers but just feel awkward. Thing i guys tend to lust after the sexy girl more..they seem to be the ones they'll put up a fight for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. learn how to apply smokey eye makeup at a professional level (youtube), buy and wear more sexy lingerie, grow your hair long - have it tousled-looking. wear high heels often, speak always as though you're flirting. rinse and repeat.

      Delete
    2. so you want her to go from cute to fake?

      Delete
    3. Don't fear your cuteness. There are guys out there who absolutely adore the cute girls and fall for them WAY faster than they'd ever fall for any sexy girl. I happen to be one of them.

      Please don't change. Please keep being yourself. Please keep making the world a better place with your sweet heart, your curious and adventurous mind, and your adorable looks. Guys like me everywhere are desperately searching for girls like you.

      Delete
  25. I love when guys say I'm cute. It often leads to making out.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think "sexy" is a hard thing for many women to pull off. Given the variation in men's tastes - the subjective nature of it makes it that much harder. I applaud the ladies who've chimed in above with regards to making some attempt to be sexy.

    That said - I know the difference between "cute" and "sexy" when I see it... and most of what I see out in society is "cute". It's "Gidget" vs "Sophia Loren/Salma Hayek". It seems like even when women I've known and loved have wanted to "turn on the heat", they do so only in the "cutesy" fashion that they have become so comfortable with in the last 12-15 years. Thirty-plus year old women - dressed in t-shirts, jeans and flip-flops - or bare legs even in the coldest weather (I so wish women would rediscover hosiery for certain occasions) - and it extends to the bedroom with the 150 variations of the "baby-doll" outfit that Victoria Secret sells them.

    I just don't understand where they're taking their queues from on these things. Most of what I see are 30 year old women - obsessed with being... "forever 16, on a beach vacation - comfy, cute'n'cozy...", 100% of the time. They don't ever seem to want to dress or look like grown women anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  27. This site is incredibly interesting. But a good girlfriend is BOTH cute and sexy. Seems to me much of the art of it is when to be which, and to what degree. You're not horny all the time, and having a girl who dials it up too much when you are not isn't always welcome. I have definitely dated women who pushed it too far at inappropriate times, and that doesn't work either. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand dating girls who are afraid to go for it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I think this issue is where women cannot give accurate feedback to other women about their attractiveness. Most women are going to look at the "cuteness" factor of another woman to give her the thumbs up. Women are going to look at the overall presentation and *aesthetic* effect of her outfit, accessories, and hair rather than that which is sexually alluring.

    ReplyDelete
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  30. as I get it, you mentioned sexy as confidence, seduction while cute as innocent and need help. But you also wrote that man want to show their masculine and like to protect woman, so it is good to show your naive and childlike traits. I am trying to be sharp and confident, but I am really a closed introvert vunerable girl. What way for me?

    ReplyDelete
  31. I agree with the above comment. I'm a regular reader, and it seems to me as though many of the traits that Andrew listed as "cute" were traits that men like according to the blog in general, whereas some of the "sexy" characteristics might come across as too assertive. Are we misunderstanding?

    ReplyDelete
  32. This whole thing is ridiculous! You want women to change their lifestyle and personality to be a stereotypical Hollywood slut just to please men that only care about looks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. nope it's not "just to please men". Speaking as a woman: it's just a fact of biology that men will first gravitate toward the woman they find physically attractive. then they'll get to know her. making yourself your most attractive self increases the number of men who will approach you, so you have a greater pool of men to choose from, and are more likely to find one that you would like to be with. I took zero care of myself and no men approached me. then I lost weight, learned how to wear makeup, wore slim clothing, gained a lot of confidence because I looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw. and men started approaching me. including a man now my boyfriend who would never have approached me when I looked awful. and he's a really good man. and an 8 or 9 in looks himself. why would he have approached me back when I looked like a 2? what did I have to offer him? what was the incentive for him to get to know me better and find out the person I am inside?

      commenters like the above get it all wrong. women making themselves their most attractive is a way to give women power, a lot of it, in the relationship game.

      p.s. Andrew, those new capchas are friggin killing me. I can't read the bendy ones, have to refresh like 20 times to find one I can read.

      Delete
  33. It is frustrating to be called cute; I have been told often that I have a baby face, even by 12 year olds! So I know I need to step up my make up game.

    ReplyDelete
  34. look umm i read your post and.. i have to say from one of your comments you came off as slightky sexist i think you know which one im talking about.....also cute and sexy can very well be the same thing it all matters on what the person finds sexy or cute it varies greatly from person to person k.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Does vary from person to person on what their definition of "sexy" or "cute" is, but in general, it's pretty damn similar. Sexist? When did he insult the male or female gender? He's merely presenting his own opinion appropriately, and giving a guide to people who seek it. Seeing that you aren't aware of what punctuation is, and that you do not have a book published like Andrew, I think you can go back to shushing up. Shush.

      Delete
  35. To me, cute is something I've wanted to be way more than I've ever wanted to be sexy or hot, and is therefore, to me, the highest compliment I could ever pay, besides something like "utterly adorable". I have a distinct weakness for girls who are cute over girls who are sexy, and I will fall for the cute girl way before I'd ever fall for any sexy girl.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Sexy=(fake*slutty) - self-worth

    ReplyDelete
  37. As always.. thankyou for sharing your insights..

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